BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

Alright, so I haven’t quite kept up with the posts. But now I do…somewhere else. Go to http://www.mapcidy.com and start reading and commenting on the articles there. If you like the repressed thoughts I put here, read the thoughts I put there on video games. AND COMMENT DAMMIT! Whether you are trolling, being insightful, or like seeing your tiny letters be added to other tiny letters, do it. I have no other way of knowing what’s funny and what’s not. Do it also because other I will duck tape each of my four kittens to a ceiling fan blade and then turn it on and laugh for hours. I may do that even if you do comment, come to think of it.

Do it. Then, do it some more.

Back from the Dead

Heyo everyone. I have not posted anything for quite some time, but I grow restless and I’m out of meds and need an outlet. So within the next week, (by the 10th) I will have a new post up. Apologies to anyone who wanted to read more of my rantings, I simply had to navigate events like help plan a wedding and looking for employment. So stay tuned and such. Yeah. *long awkward silence*

If you're looking for a thought-provoking message, you've come to the wrong blog.

The Inevitable Twilight Entry

Vampires have been in popular culture ever since Abraham “Bram the Man” Stoker wrote Dracula in 1897. Always a mysteriously, brooding character with a forbidden sexual appeal for necrophiliacs, vampires have always been in the publics’ mind. Now with Twilight, the trend continues but in a direction that has most of the male gender confused and women of all ages falling in love with the long-saught whiny vampire.

"If Bella doesn't love me, it'll just inspire more dark poetry for me to write in my marble notebook."

As much as I want to, I can’t make fun of the books simply because I haven’t read them. Nor will I ever. I have seen all the movies though (don’t ask) and will try to explain why these movies are creepy and terrible in ways that most of the tween audience doesn’t see.

First things first. Vampires don’t glitter. They burst into red/blue flames, or disintigrate into dust. That’s how it works. Nature would not allow a fearsome predator to glitter and somehow still catch its prey, unless the object is to make people laugh hard enough they can’t run fast. Do werewolves smell of honey and peaches? Does Frankenstein have a fantastic singing voice? Is the Mummy’s wrappings Charmin-soft? No. Therefore, vampires don’t glitter.

You have no idea how easy it is to find pictures like this.

Second gripe before I get to my main points: vampires and werewolves do not walk around  like they walked out of an Abercrombie-Fitch ad. They traditionally wear black or dark colors, whether as a nod to the vampire’s gothic roots, or to seem intimidating. I understand that sometimes its necessary to bring certain ideas or characters into the 21st century. But to break completely away and have snobby-looking vampires? I’ve been subjected to watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Even Spike wears black leather. C’mon!

It's funny 'cause he's on fire.

Now onto the creepy parts of Twilight. Edward watches Bella sleep, without her permission, telling her in the first movie that he likes to. Bella finds nothing wrong with this. This makes Edward creepy. However, Bella states, very plainly I might add, in the first movie that “About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.” In one sentence, she has admitted that not only does she know that there are vampires in the world, but that one in her hometown thirsts for her blood…and that’s the guy she is truly in love with. The one that wants to drink her body of blood ’til she looks like a five-foot flesh-colored raisin. She’s not creepy. She’s a freak.

She's a very kinky girl/The kind you don't take home to mother/She will never let your spirits down...

The other thing that gets to me is that this movie seems to groom young girls for the programming of the Lifetime Network. Now, in the second movie, Bella and Edward break up, mainly because thinks there is only enough room in the relationship for one whiny, emotionally immature teen. He goes far away, presumably because she learned a lot of stalking techniques from him. She thens takes emotional dependacy to whole new freakin’ level: she does potentially-fatal activities to hallicinate Edward telling her not to do potentially-fatal activities. Just mull that over for a second…something that’s not even real is telling you stop.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

 The other thing that gets to me is a spoiler for those who like the movies but haven’t read the books: Edward gets Bella instead Jacob. How? Sure Jacob has more of a personality than Edward, and shows more emotion and his family life might have more love and tenderness but you see, Jacob has a thing for newborn infants. That’s right; Bella and Edward get married later on in the series and have a child. Jacob “imprints” on this baby, meaning that is who he destined to be with for life, at first glance of the baby. Of the baby. OF THE BABY. This vampire child thens proceeds to grow to be mentally and physically 17 years old in a matter of months and then stays that age. They fall in love and Jacob gets his baby-crush…so when she’s 17 physically (keep in mind in actuality she’s less than a year old) Jacob is in his thirties.

This is less creepy and easier to see coming than pedo-wolf.

I could go on (quite easily) but all good things come to an end. However, now it’s your turn. What about Twilight do you hate, or for that matter, what wildly popular thing did you hate while it was out? Also, I will write about a previous topic if someone wishes me to re-visit it, or a new one if enough people request it (with my current view count, that would be maybe 3 to 4 people at the moment – shooting for 5 in the future!)  Thank you for reading and before I go, I would like to share an awesome picture:

Pictured: awesomeness.

Here’s to the Underdog

We all consume media (I think we all agree on this one) and watch the popular shows.

No wait, I'm going somewhere with this.

Well, what about the lesser known shows? The TV shows and movies that were good but just weren’t a commercial success? This one is for them. (For the record, I’m talking about the lesser known stuff, which may or may not include cult classics. When I say cult classics, I mean good ones, not bad ones that are the homeless bums of dark alleys in the movie world that are loved by annyoing people, and definitely not the horrible ones.)

Shaddup.

The first one dear to my heart is Eerie, Indiana. This show, as freak-39 on imdb.com described it, was the X-Files for little kids. This show only aired for one season in 1991-92 and it still brings back fond memories of scary things that challenged my 4-year old world…on a related note, my therapist says I can re-enter society. Seriously though, this show wasn’t your typical entertainment. The premise was that Marshal Taylor moved to Eerie, Indiana from New Jersey, and apparently Eerie is the center of the universe for werid things, and remember, this was 1991, before the weird things of the internet. Marshal and his friend encounter strange things and try to collect evidence about them, i.e. if they met Lady Gaga, they would  follow her and try to take photos or videos of her.

"So you say there's a Madonna-like singer whose breast were on fire? You've been listening to too much Grunge!"

One episode I remember was called “Foreverware”. Marshal and his friend discover a product like tupperware that keeps anything from getting old, including people. A set of twin boys have been sleeping in the Foreverware for years and remain young, like the stars of Disney Channel. (Do they even allow grey hair on that network?!) At the end of the episode the seal isn’t as tight as it should be and the boys turn into adults overnight. It was a interesting show, to say the least.

The other show I want to give a shout out to this entry is Bucky O’ Hare, a show set in a parallel dimension where a humanoid animals are fighting a war between reptiles and mammals, and Captain Bucky (a green rabbit with a red-and-yellow outfit) leads an elite crew of mammals, including a four-armed one eyed duck and a psychic cat.

If you think that's strange, wait 'til I tell you about a blue hedgehog and his companion fox with two tails...

Also from 1991 and lasting a season, this cartoon had it all: lasers, explosions, and a one-eyed robot. Ah, the good ol’ days when cartoons didn’t have to teach anything…This show also spawned a Nintendo game, and an arcade game, (that game was at Chuck E. Cheese so I know some of you played it) among other things.

Not all of them good.

This show nows seems cheesey with bumbling enemies and raises questions: how can a one-eyed robot with no mouth (or anything resembling one) talk? Why does the only main female character have to be a cat? Why not zebra? And how come  this show got cancelled along with Eerie?

That’s it for the moment, and apologies for taking so long in posting an entry. Now, chime in. Which old TV shows, movies or whatever do you love that never really became mainstream? Also, what else would you like to see me talk/rant/have a conniption over in the future? (It can be anything relevant to media, even something I already talked about) Thanks for reading and stay in school.

That’s Not How I Remember High School

 In marketing, a lot of effort is made to appeal and get the interest of pre-teens and teenagers. This is because 1) they have disposable cash, 2) they’re a large segment of the population, and 3) they are very stupid. I should know. One way to get the attention of this demographic is to put out movies and TV shows about teens. These shows can be some pre-teens’ first impression of adolescence.

Keep in mind the number of impromptu songs sung will also be low.

 There are simply some things that aren’t true. Let me explain them to you.

First of all, you won’t look your best during this time. It’s has nothing to do with you personally; it’s just your body will do weird things. It will decide to grow pimples on your face in embarassingly obvious places. Patches of hair will grow in new places and oily skin is a new reality you must face everyday. The people on television never have pimples, peach fuzz, and perfect skin. There is a reason for this: genetic engineering. Apparently some Nazi Arayan experiments escaped from Europe and started families in the United States. That’s the best I can come up with.

These children bully the French kids and no one can figure out why.

Second, your voice will crack. So anything showing teenagers singing is a complete lie…a horrible, horrible lie. I wish I realized this before I had to cant in front of my entire family for my Bar Mitzvah, but after 3-4 years your family stops bringing it up. Your voice will not ring crisp and true, but change pitch randomly. Zach Efron and company record their songs in a studio, away from the world and are beaten by Disney executives until they get it right (just kidding, they don’t beat them, they just bury them underneath a pile of lawyers).

Disney singers have learned not to stand near the edge of subway platforms.

 Thirdly, you will not be the stand-out individual as is everyone on TV. You’re not a clone but you will be joining/forming a group of friends. Everyone wants to fit in and feel accepted; this is perfectly normal. Those that are meant to stand out, will. Those who desparately want to be noticed will make a complete ass of themselves. If Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing doesn’t rush in to take the limelight, then nobody should. Why? Because it’s Patrick Swayze, that’s why.

Before the Old Spice Man was on a horse, Patrick Swayze was on one.

Lastly, these aren’t the greatest years of your life. Too many movies and shows portray your teenage years as the best ever. They are great and full of fun first time experiences, but they are full of stress. Besides trying to sing in your school’s hallway, voice cracking, trying not to step in face oils left on the floor by the math geeks, you also have your first job, first relationship, and preparing and choosing your college. This isn’t to mention the gaining independence from your parents, SATs (remember how fun it was listening to the kid who got 1560 complain he/she didn’t do better?), learning to drive and all the responbilities of everyday life.

He will have a troubling adolscence.

Remember: TV and movies are played by people in their 20s and 30s. If you wish to have a somewhat more accurate view of high school, watch Freaks and Geeks on Youtube. You can also see Seth Rogan as a teenager!

Now, chime in: What do you remember about your teenage years and what do you wish the media would portray with/about teenagers that they currently don’t? And by the way, thank you for still reading this drek. It means a lot to me…and Patrick Swayze. WOLVERINES!!!

How Things Go Down in Disaster Movies

It doesn’t seem to matter why the Earth is doomed, or the reason, it doesn’t matter. Whether its due to the core of the earth, glaciers melting, Mother Nature’s favorite TV show gets cancelled (why Deadwood? WHHYYY!?) it will unfold the same way.

Should of read my blog.

Step 1: The Warning

In a remote station out on the hills of Tibet is a researcher that’s been studying  monkey poop. It helps if the researcher is a kind-looking old man who been doing this for 11+ years. He notices that there’s been an incredible spike in monkey-pooing and wonders whats causing this. Meanwhile, in Washington D.C., a young, brilliant geologist/meteorologist/scatological researcher tries to alert government officials the earth shows signs of global warming to the point of where your armpit hair will burst into flames. His warning is pooh-poohed (pun intended).

It knows what's goin' down.

 Step 2: Minor Catastrophes

Things start to happen: people sweat more, sheep evaporate, and it rains lava. Politicans consult Republican scientists, who assure them that it’s completely natural, and it will all go away by next Tuesday. The young scientist in Washington alerts his family and very hot girlfriend to what’s going on. The monkeys that the scientist in Tibet is studying have nearly passed out from the strain.

"The sheep melted because they didn't love America enough."

Step 3: Major Catastrophes

It’s now undeniable: the seas have risen 100 feet, Africa has melted, and Gibbs from NCIS is looking nervous. The president demands to know why the hell he wasn’t told of this earlier, before he went to the “Orphans Building Homes for Puppies out of Lollipops” ribbon-cutting ceremony. The government starts listening to the young scientist, who tells them to evacuate everyone to some third world nation because they will be safe there, which is some sort of commentary on global politics or something. The monkeys in Tibet have crapped themselves to death. Fun fact: Did you know that you can tell how bad the disaster is by the color of the president? It’s true!

We just might pull through this.

Game over, man! Game over!

                   

Step 4: The majority of the Special Effects Budget   

Everything in the world is going wrong and everyone knows it. Iconic cities and landmarks are being demolished, people are dying but not very graphically, and  the very last tamagotchi in existence is destroyed. We now watch the young scientist and his hot girlfirend run from a wave of destuction for a half-hour. They make it, but just barely. The scientist in Tibet muses morality and philosophy, never offering to get off his rear and help people however he can. The President and what’s left of America get on airplanes to the safe third-world country.

"Hey, I can see my house getting utterly destroyed from here."

Step 5: Disaster(s) Suddenly Ends

For no real reason other than the movie has reached the hour-and-a-half mark, the disaster subsides. Now that the major characters and most of the minor ones have made it, we see that the surviving people try to take a lesson about how to treat the Earth better. They don’t seem too bummed out about civilization being destroyed or how they are powerless to stop this from happening again. Instead they vow to re-build and repopulate the Earth better than before, even though most of the people who could do that are now dead.

More or less.

Now, comment folks! Do you think you could survive a disaster movie, and if so, how? Also, what’s one thing you want to see in future disaster films? Thanks to those who have checked this blog for updates, I shall keep this thing going. That was meant as a promise, not a threat.

See you on The Far Side

Newspapers are slowly but surely becoming a thing of the past. With the internet becoming ever more present in our lives, people see no point in paying to read about yesterday’s news when the internet provides up-to the minute news. What about the comics in the newspaper? It seems that even they are inferior to their internet counterparts.

Internet comics are very popular. Whereas the comics in the paper come regardless whether you like them or not, internet comics are comics that you seek out because you are interested. These strips have become so popular, that they have begun to sell merchandise based on their comic.

The reason these strips have reached such fame is that they target niche markets and relate to the viewers in a personal way lacking from most newspaper comics. For example, for video gamers, there is www.cad-comic.com. For a humorous fantasy-epic, there is www.lfgcomic.com. These comics put in a lot of effort while it seems those in the newspapers have been slacking.

The comics in the newspaper seem to be stuck doing the same jokes and humor they’ve been doing for years. It’s aggravating to expect something humorous when it’s just another golf joke about how golfers destroy their golf clubs in frustration. Now, I know the comics I’m about to rag on are dear to some viewers (both of you). I know that the exaggerated flaws and characteristics that I’ll mention “make” the strip. I’m sorry, but I’m going to rip on them.

Cathy: I’ve tried to like this one, but I can’t. This woman is forever obsessed with clothing, her weight, and shoes to a ridiculous degree, and feels it’s appropriate to shout “AACCKKK!” in public. It’s never appropriate to shout that in public. This woman gets frazzled by anything, like cookies, or a pair of shoes, or her dog. I don’t think this woman is reliable in high-stress situations. And somehow she got married! I don’t think this woman who can be defeated by a summer sales woman is really reliable in high-stress situation.

Look at her problem-sloving skills!

Dennis the Menace and Marvin: When the kids in the strip never age and never change, the parents must do something drastic to make sure they don’t lose their sanity. Like Ritilin or beatings. Dennis annoys his neighbor Mr. Wilson so much that Mr. Wilson should be justified in tazoring Dennis. I am serious about this. How many times can a kid track mud in a house, break a window with a baseball, or destroy his parent’s personal things and still tack it up to “mischief?” He’s a problem child. Marvin is an annoying brat who has whipped both his parents at the age of 2. That is new-age parenting for you.

Family Circus: I know this is a slice of innocence, but that’s just it…it’s innocent to the point of blissful ignorance. The children sound downright retarded when they call “lightning” “Mother Nature’s fireworks”. So they probably think the  sinkhole in Guatemala is…you know, I’m gonna leave that one alone. These kids are also completely innocent and delightful, as if cut off from every form of news and their parents never have have an argument. This is the world Sarah Palin dreams of.

And he has more viewers than me.

Sally Forth: It is a funny strip, but the husband/father has no backbone. The man never stands up for himself to anyone (that includes his daughter), has no friends, and is regarded but everyone as a hopeless loser. I like the movie The Last Starfighter (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7NaxBxFWSo) as well and that doesn’t make me hopeless (I hope).

Heathecliff: The cat doesn’t chase mice, constantly cheats or is kicked out of sporting events, knocks over garbage, fights with everything, and has a dad who is in jail and constantly escapes. Why is the dad in jail? Is he a murderer? A burgular? An Enron executive? The truth must come out. 

Annie: I am sorry it ended, but any kid who goes through what Annie has and can only say “Gee whiz!” when someone pulls a gun on her (again) is repressing some serious stuff. She’s going to end up in therapy or a retreat of some sort when she’s 16.

Notice: no soul.

Garfield: It’s. Not. Funny. Lasaga could be funny, maybe once. The whole strip is about a cat living a perfect life devoid of responsibility, eating, and abusing it’s owner relentlessly. Any cat owner will tell you that they don’t need to read the strip since their cat does the exact same stuff to them.

 Anyway, here’s where you guys come in. What’s the comic strip you love to read and which one do you hate? What would you do for the comics page?

P.S. – I think you should watch this trailer from the E3 conference:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBGvAJ6-SsY

Gotta start somewhere…

I love the movies. I love going to the movies and get pulled into a universe of space ship fleets, battles of epic proportions, breath-taking beauty and inspirational speeches. A movie where you love to root for the underdog and hate the villian. A movie where you can eat a whole bag of popcorn to.

However, lately I’ve been getting the feeling that Hollywood doesn’t care so much for the “magic” part of the movies and more with the “How can we make $40 million fast?” I realize that movies are a business and businesses need to make money. I buy their merchandise in support…or at least that’s what I tell myself when I look at all my Star Wars figurines. The problem I have is that Hollywood no longer has the spirit to take a chance on a new, aspiring director or take a chance on a plot that doesn’t follow the regular formula. How many movies have come out lately where you could guess what was going to happen later on?

What’s even more annoying than unoriginal movies are sequels. Both the unoriginal movie and the sequel are a void of creativity. They don’t even attempt to disguise the fact that all of their characters are from central casting. Central casting means that a character in a certain role has a certain personality and quirks. For example, every cop is a loose cannon on the edge, or the side-kick is a doofus, and all the husbands are helpless idiots with hot wives who are nags.

 At least the unoriginal movies have some sort of point to them whereas some sequels are pointless even; everything was done and wrapped up in the previous movie. No loose ends. Then another movie is simply cranked out just to capitalize on the success of the previous one. For example: the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie was great. It had everything – laughs, adventure, battles, sword fighting and pirates in dresses. It ended well, and I loved it so. However, with Dead Man’s Chest, I was disappointed. With the third Pirates movie, At World’s End, when I came home my dog found me curled up in the fetal position in the shower. And there is another sequel in the works. It’s called On Stranger Tides, and it is strange since the cast of the first three movies are not in it. So I have have no idea where they are going with this.

Pirates isn’t the only one though that gave in to the sequel sickness. Movies that have been left alone for years are all of a sudden being revived like Frankenstein (just not as pretty). Liked Evil Dead? It’s getting a sequel. Enjoyed Independence Day, or Men in Black, Mad Max, Monster Inc., or Super Troopers? All are being given either the second or third movie to their series.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit 2.   They’re doing it. I’m not kidding. I wish I was. I’m not.

Big Momma’s House 3. Goddammit.

It’s one thing to have a plot that’s simply too big to contain in one movie. But, sometimes its okay to leave something to the audience’s imagination. No one ever asked for a sequel to Casablanca. See why: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3odtrWWc2A

Please comment on this entry. Do you agree or am I being too harsh on Hollywood or too idealistic? Here’s a thought to comment on: if you could have a sequel to any movie every made and have it as good as the original, what movie would you choose?

Links to more sequels at  http://denofgeek.com/movies/405391/updated_86_movie_sequels_currently_in_development.html For the movie lovers, try http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-Rr_BtUBR4&feature=PlayList&p=64867E76ED7CFF91&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=8. I do not claim to have made either video.

An RPG Fight

I thoroughly enjoy playing any game where I can get progressively stronger so I can kill all who oppose me (to save the world of course.) This is my tribute to the role-playing game:

(to Bruno Mars’ “That’s What I Like“)

Hey, hey, hey
I have Marle with her crossbow
Her Haste moves you pronto
She uses healing magic
That gives her a white glow
Ayla only needs her fist, Fights dinosaurs
If you’re lucky she’ll give a kiss, Run on all fours
In the future I found a robot
Fought mutants and whatnot
Robo is well developed
With a nice subplot
A palace underwater, It would become so lethal
The queen will ignore her daughter, And then doom her people

Jump in the Wings of Time
(Avoid the Day of Lavos)
Got Lucca driving
(Oh shit Magus we gotta vamos)
We can save Guardia, we can save the world
I just have to find a save point

It doesn’t matter the name
Or if they all play the same
Any RPG is a fun game, is a fun game
Any RPG is a fun game, is a fun game
Role-playing greatness and fame
Makes other genres seem tame
Any RPG is a fine game, is a fine game
Any RPG is a fine game, is a fine game

Me and Dogmeat in the Wastelands
Bandits making demands
Shoot all of their heads off
Looks like I’m in command, you radroach
And I don’t ever want to set the world on fire
Destroying Megaton doesn’t make me a liar
I’ll have ant meat for a meal
A stimpack to help me heal (me heal)
Now see there who is coming (see there)
It’s the Brotherhood of Steel
Are you good? (Are you good?) Or an Outcast (Or an Outcast?)
Have explosives? (Have explosives?) Let’s have a blast

Journey from the Citadel
(Have to stop the Enclave)
Murdered by a Deathclaw
(Restart from my last save)
There will be clean water, There will be clean water for all
And the Capital Wastes will bloom

It doesn’t matter the name
Or if they all play the same
Any RPG is a fun game, is a fun game
Any RPG is a fun game, is a fun game
Role-playing greatness and fame
Makes other genres seem tame
Any RPG is a fine game, is a fine game
Any RPG is a fine game, is a fine game

So you want an engrossing tale
Then you should be proud, to play as Tifa and Cloud
Backstory, backstory, backstory
Backstory, And Aerith got implaed
Dead as a doornail
Carth Onasi, Dual-welding nasty
And don’t forget Darth Revan
Say it, man say it out loud
This is gaming heaven

It doesn’t matter the name
Or if they all play the same
Any RPG is a fun game, is a fun game
Any RPG is a fun game, is a fun game
Role-playing greatness and fame
Makes other genres seem tame
Any RPG is a fine game, is a fine game
Any RPG is a fine game, is a fine game

 

TV to DC

This is the last political song I’m writing for a while because I am starting to develop a drinking habit because of the news.

TV to DC

(melody to “Zero to Hero”)

 

0h dear God

Trump is just so flawed

Won’t shut up about that supposed voter fraud

What a tool!

Trump speaks like a fool

Then puts stupid Betsy Devoss in charge of every children’s school

 

He was a business man

On TV, TV

Now he’s the president

There in DC

So what the White House has a leak

From TV to DC in a week

TV to DC, the orange freak!

 

When he’d deny there is outcry

With yells and boos

And according to him he always will win

(Ignore fake news!)

 

From real-estate and matters of state

Our Trump has money to gain

But since he works for the people

He could tell you

Rules are a such a pain!

 

Have some gin ‘cause the crazy will begin

Building a wall

Is considered a major win

Do not ask

‘Bout Russia links and ties

While women hope

Donald’s advisors will be wise

 

Donny he talks, he boosts, he deals

People ask “Is he for reals?”

He is just loud, dumb, and crass

From TV to DC a total ass

From TV to DC there’s just no class

 

Who always leaves the ‘grace’ out of ‘disgrace’?

(Donald Trump!)

Who legislates on points of race?

(Donald Trump!)

Isn’t he smart? (No one dumber!)

Is he leaving? (Perhaps by summer!)

Donald Trump (x7)

 

What a scheme Trump is gaining steam

Unrelenting

Hating gays and the ACA

Just tormenting

 

He was a misogynist

On TV, TV

Now he’s a racist

In charge of DC

 

He’s destroying the country with so much hate

From TV to DC

Trump is so creepy

Just so ghastly

Second rate!

Fine, fine, fine

This is another song I wrote when I was bored in May 2016, so that explains why this song has Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders singing Disney songs together…maybe not. In any case, I realize the lyrics aren’t perfect with the music, but I did this for free so you get what you pay for. Enjoy.

“Fine, Fine, Fine” 

(to the tune of “Mine, mine, mine” from Disney’s “Pocahontas”)

[Donald Trump]

A place in the Senate

The office of mayor

Both are as useless

As the average tax payer

King of the White House

Will be my position

If you think ‘Merica is number one

Get me to Washington

 

Sign, guys, sign every person

And give, guys, don’t ever stop

The Dems have no prayer, guys

Swear, guys

Get on the phone

Call all that you know

And tell them to fall into line

With me in charge, it’ll be fine, fine, fine

[Voters]

Vote and vote and vote and votety

Vote and vote and vote and votety

[Hillary Clinton]

Big business money!

Big business money!

[Trump]

Oh, this feels great!

[Hillary]

Fundraising money!

Fundraising money!

[Trump]

It must be fate!

[Hillary]

Sweet Wall Street money!

Sweet Wall Street money!

[Trump and Hillary]

There’s so much of it…

[Trump]

All aimed at the people I hate!

 

My Republican foes

Know I am no quitter

When I debate Hillary

They know I’ll just out-wit her

All of my followers

They love me on Twitter

They’ll all have to respect me

They’ll love me…no, elect me!

 

It’s fine, fine, fine

What we’re making

It’s fine, guys

Find me those votes!

With me as the nominee…

 

With me standing tall

I’ll build that Mexican wall

No matter how much they whine

With all of the votes…I’m fine!

 

[Voters]

Vote and vote and vote and votety

Vote and vote and vote and votety-vote

[Bernie Sanders]

All of my life, I had wanted us to be like

Denmark

A tiny, cold,  powerless country

That nobody minds

I want to make my mark on the Dems

Or my “Dem-mark”!

If you want everything free

Then just vote for me

The middle class will finally be fine!

 

[Trump and Voters together]

 

[Trump]

Don’t listen to the news

With their twisted views

Find, guys, find

Find me those…votes

[Voters]

Find

Secure a state

Then another state

Vote! Vote! And votety

Vote! Vote! Get all the votes!

 

[All]

Make the USA

A-OK

[Trump]

You may want my tax forms

Because of election norms

But I haven’t seen yours why show you mine?

 

[Bernie]

The rich have it all…

[Trump]

My fingers aren’t small…

[Bernie]

My foreign policy won’t stall!

[Trump]

I’ll have great ratings this fall!

 

Trumps and Voters together]

[Trump]

And the votes

Are…

Mine!

Mine!

Mine!

Mine!

 

[Voters]

So go get the votes

The battle’s just begun

Our guy’s number one

We are hell-bent

For our guy to be president and (s)he’s

Fine!

Vote and vote and votety-vote!

Apologies to Gene Wilder

This is wildly inappropriate, and sacrilege to one of the funniest actors in the last 50 years. That said, here’s my contribution to the downfall of our society:

Willy Wanka (to the melody of “Pure Imagination”)

[Spoken]

Surf the web

Be aroused

Hit the search key

 

[Sung]

Look with me

You will see

A new world of

Raw deprivation

Go and gaze

And engage

In furious masturbation

 

We’ll proceed

With the deed

Because we read

Stories of triple penetration

What you like

Just may be

Domination

 

If you want to view a pair that’s nice

Just un-zip your pants and slap it

Anytime you’re horny, fap it

Want to mute the sound?

Whatever helps

To whack it

 

There’s no shame

If you came

To pictures of

Anal exploration

Just be sure

The site’s free

Or no big credit card fee

 

If you have a real nasty vice

In a video with no budget

Try not to harshly judge it

Think no one makes mistakes?

Even butt men

Fudge it

 

If a crow

And a doe

Fill the screen with

Animal ejaculation

Look at them

Filled with glee

That is the

Way to be

How I wish I was in a video game

When one compares one’s life to a video game, the video game is better in almost every way. There is a definite bad guy, you are the good guy, killing the bad guy totally gets you a babe (or hulk or you a lady), and not only can you kill baddies, you can then take whatever they have on their bodies to help you kill their friends! No matter who you are, the video game is almost always better.

Pictured: the exception to the paragraph above.

In all seriousness though, there are times when your life having qualities of a game wouldn’t hurt. For example:

You increase your skill level simply by performing the action over and over.

There are certain actions, chores, and conversations we have on a weekly, if not daily basis. Things such as doing laundry, going on job interviews, and evading the police. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you baked enough cookies so that every batch for the rest of your life would automatically taste like it had been prepared by a loving bakery? Any job interview would be no sweat since you’ve been on enough to know how to act on any interview? Alas, it is not to be so. Then again, if this were to be so, entire industries would collapse and teenage boys would never the house since they had become so good at what they do all day alone in their rooms.

 

School work. I don’t know where your mind was going.

Or how about…

Limitless stamina and strength.

Mega Man never once complained about being out of breath while forever running to the right. Nor did Sonic while being made to participate in Sonic 06! Any hero of any game can run, lift, jump, and carry hundreds of pounds of equipment with them at all times. Just think of all the things you can carry in Fallout 3. You bring your own arsenal, ammunition, medical supplies, food, water, and armor. On top of any quest items, scrap and chemical components. Not to mention bobble heads.

 

What you did for a Klondike Bar is nothing compared to what you did for these.

And let’s not forget the greatest thing of all…

Being able to go back and replay a saved file.

If you have been alive longer than two hours you have said or done something you wish you could take back. Whether yawning just when your crush looks at you, failing to evade the police, or just being awkward in general, we have all wished we could go back in time and change things. Forget to pay a bill? Load yesterday’s file. Say “fat” instead of “phat”? Reload. Unsure of which group of friends to go out with tonight? Go out with one, reload and go out with another.

Who am I kidding with “groups ” of friends?

 

 

This of course begs the question, what would we play then?

Has the gaming community given up on the experience?

There was a time when gaming was about sitting next to each other and playing the game, which would include playing close enough to the screen to probable damage your eyes permanently. BUT NO MATTER! For the world needed to be saved and your and your buddy were going to defeat the legions of minions to kill the evil overlord and nothing was going to delay you ( except bathroom breaks and dinner).

 

“I don’t care if you have to pee! Hold it in or I’ll beat it out of you!”

Now with the internet you can play from different houses with no pants on. It’s fantastic and allows for maximum comfort. However, gamers no longer seem to care about the experience itself so much as winning or losing. Case in point, the League of Legends community. The game itself is great, never playing the same way twice, and different ways to play each champion which there are dozens. However, the problem is that the community is becoming just as obsessed as the Starcraft community. Whereas every move and attack must be properly timed and executed.

 

Now picture one character shouting at his team for not surrendering. And slurs. So many slurs.

When someone on team A is killed, the killer on team B get loads of gold for it and then can use that gold to buy items to make themselves more powerful. If someone isn’t doing well, or having a bad game (we’ve all been there) then the team will surrender. The opposing team will have better items so that playing against them is harder. The challenge is greater, but then the victory would be more satisfying. No one improves their game by playing against easy opponents.  However, players will have a small epileptic fit when their team wants to keep playing instead of giving up.

 

“You have provided a challenge to me, and I wanted you to roll over and let me win. Well, this’ll show you.”

 

This is annoying to say the least, especially since gamers are supposed to have an incredible tenacity. Y’know, that whole joke about one more level and then we’ll quit?

All that’s missing is “Mom! Ten more minutes! MOM!”

 

Games like Metal Slug, Ninja Gaiden, and Ghost N’ Goblins wouldn’t be popular if people didn’t enjoy a challenge. Today’s gamers however want their achievement points and declared winner. In fact, everyone thinks they are the next professional competitive gamer. You’re not. Think of it this way: Anyone can play baseball, but do you think the MLB will be calling you? Now, more people play video games. However, ’cause you play all week, all of a sudden you are an honorary Korean. You are not.

 

You and your friends don’t even have matching outfits.

 

Apparently the gaming community still has a lot of growing up to do.

The War Between the States (Of Reality)

The American Civil War was fought from 1861 to 1865, killing close to 6300,000 men and wounding  400,000 more. Countless homes were destroyed, lives and families ruined, cities devastated, and the social structure of the South dramatically altered. Not to brag, but we Americans know how to party.

"That was AWESOME! Let's shoot Ted out of the cannon next."

 This conflict did have long reaching effects that lasted for decades, most of them not good. Politically, the nation was still divided, and assassinating the president never really helps anyone except the undertaker, and the newspaper man, and the vice president, and…okay it helped a few people, but they don’t count in the grand scheme o’ things. Let us not forget the plight, segregation, and degradation of an entire race of people a century after the end of the war.

Not to mention the sterotypes they must combat against.

 The thing that gets to me the most is that people claim the American Civil War was not fought over slavery. The argument is that the Conferderacy was formed and fought for a way of life (to own slaves), to protect states’ rights (that owned slaves) and to stand in defiance of the federal government (when they didn’t want you to have slaves). There really isn’t any middle ground on this, or room for grey area. Either you’re for enslaving an entire race of people or against it. It’s pretty much black and white.

                                                                                                                                                              

What bothers me is how each side is portrayed in this conflict. Unlike the rest of the world, we Americans tend to view conflicts in terms of “good-guy”/”bad-guy”. The rest of the world tends to view things in a more practical sense. For example, at the beginning of World War II, Americans didn’t like the Germans because they were being oppressive to their conquered peoples. Great Britain didn’t like Germany simply because they were becoming too powerful on the continent and upsetting the balance of power.

Because Britain has a long tradition of caring for its conquered peoples...or colonies. Whatever.

So why is it that America views the Confederacy with a kind of admiration? We view the colonists as saintly and the British as evil overlords during the American Revolution, even though we weren’t really justified in our rebellion. We tend to view the Southern rebels as a sort of American spirit, led by gentlemen, followed by honest, noble county-boys.

With the 150th anniversary of the start of the war behind us, it seemed that everyone wanted to weigh in on the Civil War. The descendents of Confederates, people who are in the same state the Confederates were, and the descendents of slaves. The white people remembered it as a time their great-grandfathers fought for honor, statehood, and their homes. Black people remembered it as when their ancestors were no longer  dragged around in chains having their asses whipped to pulp.

People who have the Confederate flag on their trucks seem to not remember how all these little houses got all over the South.

The point of the matter that I’m trying to get at is is that history is there for us to learn from, not change so we as a nation can feel good about ourselves. The Civil War was fought for America’s soul…and to keep America’s penis as part of the Union (yep, that’s you Florida).  We need to remember that although the war was fought at the start to keep the Union together, it started over slavery and became the war to end it. If you think I’ll trying to fuel flames here or am trying to portray the South as delisional, I’m not. They are doing it all on their own. The main example I point to is the name the South refers to the Civil War. The Civil War is what it’s called in the north. The south calls it “The War Between the States” and “The War of Northern Aggression.”

"Look how agressive they are in that Fort Sumter. Get every gun known to God and blow it up."

 Obviously this entry will solve nothing: Northerners will eat at IHOP and Southerners will eat at the Waffle House. That, and the memories of the Civil War will always be biased. At least we can rest knowing that today we are united as a nation…

Oy...

        Leave a comment folks. More entries to come.