Category: Culture


Fine, fine, fine

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This is another song I wrote when I was bored in May 2016, so that explains why this song has Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders singing Disney songs together…maybe not. In any case, I realize the lyrics aren’t perfect with the music, but I did this for free so you get what you pay for. Enjoy.

“Fine, Fine, Fine” 

(to the tune of “Mine, mine, mine” from Disney’s “Pocahontas”)

[Donald Trump]

A place in the Senate

The office of mayor

Both are as useless

As the average tax payer

King of the White House

Will be my position

If you think ‘Merica is number one

Get me to Washington

 

Sign, guys, sign every person

And give, guys, don’t ever stop

The Dems have no prayer, guys

Swear, guys

Get on the phone

Call all that you know

And tell them to fall into line

With me in charge, it’ll be fine, fine, fine

[Voters]

Vote and vote and vote and votety

Vote and vote and vote and votety

[Hillary Clinton]

Big business money!

Big business money!

[Trump]

Oh, this feels great!

[Hillary]

Fundraising money!

Fundraising money!

[Trump]

It must be fate!

[Hillary]

Sweet Wall Street money!

Sweet Wall Street money!

[Trump and Hillary]

There’s so much of it…

[Trump]

All aimed at the people I hate!

 

My Republican foes

Know I am no quitter

When I debate Hillary

They know I’ll just out-wit her

All of my followers

They love me on Twitter

They’ll all have to respect me

They’ll love me…no, elect me!

 

It’s fine, fine, fine

What we’re making

It’s fine, guys

Find me those votes!

With me as the nominee…

 

With me standing tall

I’ll build that Mexican wall

No matter how much they whine

With all of the votes…I’m fine!

 

[Voters]

Vote and vote and vote and votety

Vote and vote and vote and votety-vote

[Bernie Sanders]

All of my life, I had wanted us to be like

Denmark

A tiny, cold,  powerless country

That nobody minds

I want to make my mark on the Dems

Or my “Dem-mark”!

If you want everything free

Then just vote for me

The middle class will finally be fine!

 

[Trump and Voters together]

 

[Trump]

Don’t listen to the news

With their twisted views

Find, guys, find

Find me those…votes

[Voters]

Find

Secure a state

Then another state

Vote! Vote! And votety

Vote! Vote! Get all the votes!

 

[All]

Make the USA

A-OK

[Trump]

You may want my tax forms

Because of election norms

But I haven’t seen yours why show you mine?

 

[Bernie]

The rich have it all…

[Trump]

My fingers aren’t small…

[Bernie]

My foreign policy won’t stall!

[Trump]

I’ll have great ratings this fall!

 

Trumps and Voters together]

[Trump]

And the votes

Are…

Mine!

Mine!

Mine!

Mine!

 

[Voters]

So go get the votes

The battle’s just begun

Our guy’s number one

We are hell-bent

For our guy to be president and (s)he’s

Fine!

Vote and vote and votety-vote!

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Apologies to Gene Wilder

best-gene-wilder-movies-u1

This is wildly inappropriate, and sacrilege to one of the funniest actors in the last 50 years. That said, here’s my contribution to the downfall of our society:

Willy Wanka (to the melody of “Pure Imagination”)

[Spoken]

Surf the web

Be aroused

Hit the search key

 

[Sung]

Look with me

You will see

A new world of

Raw deprivation

Go and gaze

And engage

In furious masturbation

 

We’ll proceed

With the deed

Because we read

Stories of triple penetration

What you like

Just may be

Domination

 

If you want to view a pair that’s nice

Just un-zip your pants and slap it

Anytime you’re horny, fap it

Want to mute the sound?

Whatever helps

To whack it

 

There’s no shame

If you came

To pictures of

Anal exploration

Just be sure

The site’s free

Or no big credit card fee

 

If you have a real nasty vice

In a video with no budget

Try not to harshly judge it

Think no one makes mistakes?

Even butt men

Fudge it

 

If a crow

And a doe

Fill the screen with

Animal ejaculation

Look at them

Filled with glee

That is the

Way to be

Alright, so I haven’t quite kept up with the posts. But now I do…somewhere else. Go to http://www.mapcidy.com and start reading and commenting on the articles there. If you like the repressed thoughts I put here, read the thoughts I put there on video games. AND COMMENT DAMMIT! Whether you are trolling, being insightful, or like seeing your tiny letters be added to other tiny letters, do it. I have no other way of knowing what’s funny and what’s not. Do it also because other I will duck tape each of my four kittens to a ceiling fan blade and then turn it on and laugh for hours. I may do that even if you do comment, come to think of it.

Do it. Then, do it some more.

The American Civil War was fought from 1861 to 1865, killing close to 6300,000 men and wounding  400,000 more. Countless homes were destroyed, lives and families ruined, cities devastated, and the social structure of the South dramatically altered. Not to brag, but we Americans know how to party.

"That was AWESOME! Let's shoot Ted out of the cannon next."

 This conflict did have long reaching effects that lasted for decades, most of them not good. Politically, the nation was still divided, and assassinating the president never really helps anyone except the undertaker, and the newspaper man, and the vice president, and…okay it helped a few people, but they don’t count in the grand scheme o’ things. Let us not forget the plight, segregation, and degradation of an entire race of people a century after the end of the war.

Not to mention the sterotypes they must combat against.

 The thing that gets to me the most is that people claim the American Civil War was not fought over slavery. The argument is that the Conferderacy was formed and fought for a way of life (to own slaves), to protect states’ rights (that owned slaves) and to stand in defiance of the federal government (when they didn’t want you to have slaves). There really isn’t any middle ground on this, or room for grey area. Either you’re for enslaving an entire race of people or against it. It’s pretty much black and white.

                                                                                                                                                              

What bothers me is how each side is portrayed in this conflict. Unlike the rest of the world, we Americans tend to view conflicts in terms of “good-guy”/”bad-guy”. The rest of the world tends to view things in a more practical sense. For example, at the beginning of World War II, Americans didn’t like the Germans because they were being oppressive to their conquered peoples. Great Britain didn’t like Germany simply because they were becoming too powerful on the continent and upsetting the balance of power.

Because Britain has a long tradition of caring for its conquered peoples...or colonies. Whatever.

So why is it that America views the Confederacy with a kind of admiration? We view the colonists as saintly and the British as evil overlords during the American Revolution, even though we weren’t really justified in our rebellion. We tend to view the Southern rebels as a sort of American spirit, led by gentlemen, followed by honest, noble county-boys.

With the 150th anniversary of the start of the war behind us, it seemed that everyone wanted to weigh in on the Civil War. The descendents of Confederates, people who are in the same state the Confederates were, and the descendents of slaves. The white people remembered it as a time their great-grandfathers fought for honor, statehood, and their homes. Black people remembered it as when their ancestors were no longer  dragged around in chains having their asses whipped to pulp.

People who have the Confederate flag on their trucks seem to not remember how all these little houses got all over the South.

The point of the matter that I’m trying to get at is is that history is there for us to learn from, not change so we as a nation can feel good about ourselves. The Civil War was fought for America’s soul…and to keep America’s penis as part of the Union (yep, that’s you Florida).  We need to remember that although the war was fought at the start to keep the Union together, it started over slavery and became the war to end it. If you think I’ll trying to fuel flames here or am trying to portray the South as delisional, I’m not. They are doing it all on their own. The main example I point to is the name the South refers to the Civil War. The Civil War is what it’s called in the north. The south calls it “The War Between the States” and “The War of Northern Aggression.”

"Look how agressive they are in that Fort Sumter. Get every gun known to God and blow it up."

 Obviously this entry will solve nothing: Northerners will eat at IHOP and Southerners will eat at the Waffle House. That, and the memories of the Civil War will always be biased. At least we can rest knowing that today we are united as a nation…

Oy...

        Leave a comment folks. More entries to come.

Vampires have been in popular culture ever since Abraham “Bram the Man” Stoker wrote Dracula in 1897. Always a mysteriously, brooding character with a forbidden sexual appeal for necrophiliacs, vampires have always been in the publics’ mind. Now with Twilight, the trend continues but in a direction that has most of the male gender confused and women of all ages falling in love with the long-saught whiny vampire.

"If Bella doesn't love me, it'll just inspire more dark poetry for me to write in my marble notebook."

As much as I want to, I can’t make fun of the books simply because I haven’t read them. Nor will I ever. I have seen all the movies though (don’t ask) and will try to explain why these movies are creepy and terrible in ways that most of the tween audience doesn’t see.

First things first. Vampires don’t glitter. They burst into red/blue flames, or disintigrate into dust. That’s how it works. Nature would not allow a fearsome predator to glitter and somehow still catch its prey, unless the object is to make people laugh hard enough they can’t run fast. Do werewolves smell of honey and peaches? Does Frankenstein have a fantastic singing voice? Is the Mummy’s wrappings Charmin-soft? No. Therefore, vampires don’t glitter.

You have no idea how easy it is to find pictures like this.

Second gripe before I get to my main points: vampires and werewolves do not walk around  like they walked out of an Abercrombie-Fitch ad. They traditionally wear black or dark colors, whether as a nod to the vampire’s gothic roots, or to seem intimidating. I understand that sometimes its necessary to bring certain ideas or characters into the 21st century. But to break completely away and have snobby-looking vampires? I’ve been subjected to watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Even Spike wears black leather. C’mon!

It's funny 'cause he's on fire.

Now onto the creepy parts of Twilight. Edward watches Bella sleep, without her permission, telling her in the first movie that he likes to. Bella finds nothing wrong with this. This makes Edward creepy. However, Bella states, very plainly I might add, in the first movie that “About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.” In one sentence, she has admitted that not only does she know that there are vampires in the world, but that one in her hometown thirsts for her blood…and that’s the guy she is truly in love with. The one that wants to drink her body of blood ’til she looks like a five-foot flesh-colored raisin. She’s not creepy. She’s a freak.

She's a very kinky girl/The kind you don't take home to mother/She will never let your spirits down...

The other thing that gets to me is that this movie seems to groom young girls for the programming of the Lifetime Network. Now, in the second movie, Bella and Edward break up, mainly because thinks there is only enough room in the relationship for one whiny, emotionally immature teen. He goes far away, presumably because she learned a lot of stalking techniques from him. She thens takes emotional dependacy to whole new freakin’ level: she does potentially-fatal activities to hallicinate Edward telling her not to do potentially-fatal activities. Just mull that over for a second…something that’s not even real is telling you stop.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

 The other thing that gets to me is a spoiler for those who like the movies but haven’t read the books: Edward gets Bella instead Jacob. How? Sure Jacob has more of a personality than Edward, and shows more emotion and his family life might have more love and tenderness but you see, Jacob has a thing for newborn infants. That’s right; Bella and Edward get married later on in the series and have a child. Jacob “imprints” on this baby, meaning that is who he destined to be with for life, at first glance of the baby. Of the baby. OF THE BABY. This vampire child thens proceeds to grow to be mentally and physically 17 years old in a matter of months and then stays that age. They fall in love and Jacob gets his baby-crush…so when she’s 17 physically (keep in mind in actuality she’s less than a year old) Jacob is in his thirties.

This is less creepy and easier to see coming than pedo-wolf.

I could go on (quite easily) but all good things come to an end. However, now it’s your turn. What about Twilight do you hate, or for that matter, what wildly popular thing did you hate while it was out? Also, I will write about a previous topic if someone wishes me to re-visit it, or a new one if enough people request it (with my current view count, that would be maybe 3 to 4 people at the moment – shooting for 5 in the future!)  Thank you for reading and before I go, I would like to share an awesome picture:

Pictured: awesomeness.

Here’s to the Underdog

We all consume media (I think we all agree on this one) and watch the popular shows.

No wait, I'm going somewhere with this.

Well, what about the lesser known shows? The TV shows and movies that were good but just weren’t a commercial success? This one is for them. (For the record, I’m talking about the lesser known stuff, which may or may not include cult classics. When I say cult classics, I mean good ones, not bad ones that are the homeless bums of dark alleys in the movie world that are loved by annyoing people, and definitely not the horrible ones.)

Shaddup.

The first one dear to my heart is Eerie, Indiana. This show, as freak-39 on imdb.com described it, was the X-Files for little kids. This show only aired for one season in 1991-92 and it still brings back fond memories of scary things that challenged my 4-year old world…on a related note, my therapist says I can re-enter society. Seriously though, this show wasn’t your typical entertainment. The premise was that Marshal Taylor moved to Eerie, Indiana from New Jersey, and apparently Eerie is the center of the universe for werid things, and remember, this was 1991, before the weird things of the internet. Marshal and his friend encounter strange things and try to collect evidence about them, i.e. if they met Lady Gaga, they would  follow her and try to take photos or videos of her.

"So you say there's a Madonna-like singer whose breast were on fire? You've been listening to too much Grunge!"

One episode I remember was called “Foreverware”. Marshal and his friend discover a product like tupperware that keeps anything from getting old, including people. A set of twin boys have been sleeping in the Foreverware for years and remain young, like the stars of Disney Channel. (Do they even allow grey hair on that network?!) At the end of the episode the seal isn’t as tight as it should be and the boys turn into adults overnight. It was a interesting show, to say the least.

The other show I want to give a shout out to this entry is Bucky O’ Hare, a show set in a parallel dimension where a humanoid animals are fighting a war between reptiles and mammals, and Captain Bucky (a green rabbit with a red-and-yellow outfit) leads an elite crew of mammals, including a four-armed one eyed duck and a psychic cat.

If you think that's strange, wait 'til I tell you about a blue hedgehog and his companion fox with two tails...

Also from 1991 and lasting a season, this cartoon had it all: lasers, explosions, and a one-eyed robot. Ah, the good ol’ days when cartoons didn’t have to teach anything…This show also spawned a Nintendo game, and an arcade game, (that game was at Chuck E. Cheese so I know some of you played it) among other things.

Not all of them good.

This show nows seems cheesey with bumbling enemies and raises questions: how can a one-eyed robot with no mouth (or anything resembling one) talk? Why does the only main female character have to be a cat? Why not zebra? And how come  this show got cancelled along with Eerie?

That’s it for the moment, and apologies for taking so long in posting an entry. Now, chime in. Which old TV shows, movies or whatever do you love that never really became mainstream? Also, what else would you like to see me talk/rant/have a conniption over in the future? (It can be anything relevant to media, even something I already talked about) Thanks for reading and stay in school.

 In marketing, a lot of effort is made to appeal and get the interest of pre-teens and teenagers. This is because 1) they have disposable cash, 2) they’re a large segment of the population, and 3) they are very stupid. I should know. One way to get the attention of this demographic is to put out movies and TV shows about teens. These shows can be some pre-teens’ first impression of adolescence.

Keep in mind the number of impromptu songs sung will also be low.

 There are simply some things that aren’t true. Let me explain them to you.

First of all, you won’t look your best during this time. It’s has nothing to do with you personally; it’s just your body will do weird things. It will decide to grow pimples on your face in embarassingly obvious places. Patches of hair will grow in new places and oily skin is a new reality you must face everyday. The people on television never have pimples, peach fuzz, and perfect skin. There is a reason for this: genetic engineering. Apparently some Nazi Arayan experiments escaped from Europe and started families in the United States. That’s the best I can come up with.

These children bully the French kids and no one can figure out why.

Second, your voice will crack. So anything showing teenagers singing is a complete lie…a horrible, horrible lie. I wish I realized this before I had to cant in front of my entire family for my Bar Mitzvah, but after 3-4 years your family stops bringing it up. Your voice will not ring crisp and true, but change pitch randomly. Zach Efron and company record their songs in a studio, away from the world and are beaten by Disney executives until they get it right (just kidding, they don’t beat them, they just bury them underneath a pile of lawyers).

Disney singers have learned not to stand near the edge of subway platforms.

 Thirdly, you will not be the stand-out individual as is everyone on TV. You’re not a clone but you will be joining/forming a group of friends. Everyone wants to fit in and feel accepted; this is perfectly normal. Those that are meant to stand out, will. Those who desparately want to be noticed will make a complete ass of themselves. If Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing doesn’t rush in to take the limelight, then nobody should. Why? Because it’s Patrick Swayze, that’s why.

Before the Old Spice Man was on a horse, Patrick Swayze was on one.

Lastly, these aren’t the greatest years of your life. Too many movies and shows portray your teenage years as the best ever. They are great and full of fun first time experiences, but they are full of stress. Besides trying to sing in your school’s hallway, voice cracking, trying not to step in face oils left on the floor by the math geeks, you also have your first job, first relationship, and preparing and choosing your college. This isn’t to mention the gaining independence from your parents, SATs (remember how fun it was listening to the kid who got 1560 complain he/she didn’t do better?), learning to drive and all the responbilities of everyday life.

He will have a troubling adolscence.

Remember: TV and movies are played by people in their 20s and 30s. If you wish to have a somewhat more accurate view of high school, watch Freaks and Geeks on Youtube. You can also see Seth Rogan as a teenager!

Now, chime in: What do you remember about your teenage years and what do you wish the media would portray with/about teenagers that they currently don’t? And by the way, thank you for still reading this drek. It means a lot to me…and Patrick Swayze. WOLVERINES!!!

We Americans live in a stable country. We are not subject to civil war, starvation, disease, or poor infrastructure (potholes not included). We live in an enviable position compared to many people all over the world. So why are we obsessed with the end of society as we know it!?

Think about it: we love end of the world scenarios. We do! The History Channel has a program called Life After People. It’s a show based on what will happen to our nuclear weapons, buildings, and Twinkies after every person on Earth dies. The show is basically a detailed timeline depicting the breakdown of everything  that is man-made or dependent on something man-made. The show shows only the most cheerful images of dams exploding, buildings and brides collapsing,  subways flooding, domesticated animals breaking free and becoming feral.  Life After People is the most scientific approach we’re gonna get in this entry. ‘Cause from here on in it’s going down hill and into apocalyptic geek fantasies.

The nuclear apocalypse is an old favorite. Not the actual war itself; that’ll last all of 10 minutes which isn’t even enough time for me to grill my final meal of bacon burgers.  I mean the aftermath of the war – the whole “repopulate the earth scenario” . You know the one, where you’re living in an old Starbucks, with the one person from high school you wish had been vaporized ? That one.

Mad Max fits into this nuclear apocalypse category, and recently The Book of Eli and The Road are also additions. In video games we have Metro 2033, and Fallout. Three things I have learned from this Dooms-day scenario is 1)brown and grey will be making a big come back as home decor colors 2) water will be scarce and worth fighting for again and 3) apparently cowboy hats are going to be okay to wear again.

The other main type of apocalypse is the zombie apocalypse. Almost everyone knows what a zombie is and is convinced that they (and their friends) will survive. I dunno, someone’s gotta die, the zombies gotta be coming from somewhere. We have Zombieland, Shawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, 28 Days Later,Dawn of the Dead, and Planet Terror. Videos games? We love shooting zombies. No moral dilemma there. Even if there are zombie children involved (yes, I have shot virtual zombie children). Let’s see…Left 4 Dead, Dead Rising, Resident Evil, Plants vs. Zombies, and Zombies Ate My Neighbors. Games that primarily should have nothing to do with zombies…do have zombies. Like Call of Duty:World at War. The game is about America fighting Japan and Russia fighting Germany in World War II. There is a game mode called Nazi zombies. You shoot Nazi zombies. I don’t know if this makes them more evil or not, but here’s someone willing to ask the hard questions on this:  http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1928141. Even books like The Zombie Survival Guide and Day by Day Armageddon love to tell us about the collapse of society.

There are many other types of end of the world scenarios, like “Mother Earth is getting Even” (Day After Tomorrow, The Happening), biblical (Legion), and,  of course, aliens. Independence Day, Mars Attacks, the Invasion, War of the Worlds, Signs, and The Arrival. We always win of course, but never before Washington D.C. and Manhattan are blown to tiny bits. It also helps if the Statue of Liberty is destroyed on the cover of the DVD box. In video games we have Halo; this game series will never die. Ever. It will actually probably lead to some kind of apocalypse when they stop producing them. And lastly, the “machines rise to kill us apocalypse scenario”  is shown in The Terminator and The Matrix. Any future where Keanu Reeves is the one that saves us is a sad one indeed.

Whether its because we like to think about rebuilding society or trumping impossible odds,  there is  no end to the possible worst-case scenarios. And we will drink it up in video game , movie , or TV show form.  So, why do you think we love to think about this? And for a bonus, which apocalypse do you think you are most likely to survive and how would you survive it? Leave a comment on anything else (and yes I know there are many comic books, books, movies, and video games I didn’t touch upon).

For those who love shootin’ zombies, I present http://armorgames.com/play/269/the-last-stand