An RPG Fight

I thoroughly enjoy playing any game where I can get progressively stronger so I can kill all who oppose me (to save the world of course.) This is my tribute to the role-playing game:

(to Bruno Mars’ “That’s What I Like“)

Hey, hey, hey
I have Marle with her crossbow
Her Haste moves you pronto
She uses healing magic
That gives her a white glow
Ayla only needs her fist, Fights dinosaurs
If you’re lucky she’ll give a kiss, Run on all fours
In the future I found a robot
Fought mutants and whatnot
Robo is well developed
With a nice subplot
A palace underwater, It would become so lethal
The queen will ignore her daughter, And then doom her people

Jump in the Wings of Time
(Avoid the Day of Lavos)
Got Lucca driving
(Oh shit Magus we gotta vamos)
We can save Guardia, we can save the world
I just have to find a save point

It doesn’t matter the name
Or if they all play the same
Any RPG is a fun game, is a fun game
Any RPG is a fun game, is a fun game
Role-playing greatness and fame
Makes other genres seem tame
Any RPG is a fine game, is a fine game
Any RPG is a fine game, is a fine game

Me and Dogmeat in the Wastelands
Bandits making demands
Shoot all of their heads off
Looks like I’m in command, you radroach
And I don’t ever want to set the world on fire
Destroying Megaton doesn’t make me a liar
I’ll have ant meat for a meal
A stimpack to help me heal (me heal)
Now see there who is coming (see there)
It’s the Brotherhood of Steel
Are you good? (Are you good?) Or an Outcast (Or an Outcast?)
Have explosives? (Have explosives?) Let’s have a blast

Journey from the Citadel
(Have to stop the Enclave)
Murdered by a Deathclaw
(Restart from my last save)
There will be clean water, There will be clean water for all
And the Capital Wastes will bloom

It doesn’t matter the name
Or if they all play the same
Any RPG is a fun game, is a fun game
Any RPG is a fun game, is a fun game
Role-playing greatness and fame
Makes other genres seem tame
Any RPG is a fine game, is a fine game
Any RPG is a fine game, is a fine game

So you want an engrossing tale
Then you should be proud, to play as Tifa and Cloud
Backstory, backstory, backstory
Backstory, And Aerith got implaed
Dead as a doornail
Carth Onasi, Dual-welding nasty
And don’t forget Darth Revan
Say it, man say it out loud
This is gaming heaven

It doesn’t matter the name
Or if they all play the same
Any RPG is a fun game, is a fun game
Any RPG is a fun game, is a fun game
Role-playing greatness and fame
Makes other genres seem tame
Any RPG is a fine game, is a fine game
Any RPG is a fine game, is a fine game

 

How I wish I was in a video game

When one compares one’s life to a video game, the video game is better in almost every way. There is a definite bad guy, you are the good guy, killing the bad guy totally gets you a babe (or hulk or you a lady), and not only can you kill baddies, you can then take whatever they have on their bodies to help you kill their friends! No matter who you are, the video game is almost always better.

Pictured: the exception to the paragraph above.

In all seriousness though, there are times when your life having qualities of a game wouldn’t hurt. For example:

You increase your skill level simply by performing the action over and over.

There are certain actions, chores, and conversations we have on a weekly, if not daily basis. Things such as doing laundry, going on job interviews, and evading the police. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you baked enough cookies so that every batch for the rest of your life would automatically taste like it had been prepared by a loving bakery? Any job interview would be no sweat since you’ve been on enough to know how to act on any interview? Alas, it is not to be so. Then again, if this were to be so, entire industries would collapse and teenage boys would never the house since they had become so good at what they do all day alone in their rooms.

 

School work. I don’t know where your mind was going.

Or how about…

Limitless stamina and strength.

Mega Man never once complained about being out of breath while forever running to the right. Nor did Sonic while being made to participate in Sonic 06! Any hero of any game can run, lift, jump, and carry hundreds of pounds of equipment with them at all times. Just think of all the things you can carry in Fallout 3. You bring your own arsenal, ammunition, medical supplies, food, water, and armor. On top of any quest items, scrap and chemical components. Not to mention bobble heads.

 

What you did for a Klondike Bar is nothing compared to what you did for these.

And let’s not forget the greatest thing of all…

Being able to go back and replay a saved file.

If you have been alive longer than two hours you have said or done something you wish you could take back. Whether yawning just when your crush looks at you, failing to evade the police, or just being awkward in general, we have all wished we could go back in time and change things. Forget to pay a bill? Load yesterday’s file. Say “fat” instead of “phat”? Reload. Unsure of which group of friends to go out with tonight? Go out with one, reload and go out with another.

Who am I kidding with “groups ” of friends?

 

 

This of course begs the question, what would we play then?

Has the gaming community given up on the experience?

There was a time when gaming was about sitting next to each other and playing the game, which would include playing close enough to the screen to probable damage your eyes permanently. BUT NO MATTER! For the world needed to be saved and your and your buddy were going to defeat the legions of minions to kill the evil overlord and nothing was going to delay you ( except bathroom breaks and dinner).

 

“I don’t care if you have to pee! Hold it in or I’ll beat it out of you!”

Now with the internet you can play from different houses with no pants on. It’s fantastic and allows for maximum comfort. However, gamers no longer seem to care about the experience itself so much as winning or losing. Case in point, the League of Legends community. The game itself is great, never playing the same way twice, and different ways to play each champion which there are dozens. However, the problem is that the community is becoming just as obsessed as the Starcraft community. Whereas every move and attack must be properly timed and executed.

 

Now picture one character shouting at his team for not surrendering. And slurs. So many slurs.

When someone on team A is killed, the killer on team B get loads of gold for it and then can use that gold to buy items to make themselves more powerful. If someone isn’t doing well, or having a bad game (we’ve all been there) then the team will surrender. The opposing team will have better items so that playing against them is harder. The challenge is greater, but then the victory would be more satisfying. No one improves their game by playing against easy opponents.  However, players will have a small epileptic fit when their team wants to keep playing instead of giving up.

 

“You have provided a challenge to me, and I wanted you to roll over and let me win. Well, this’ll show you.”

 

This is annoying to say the least, especially since gamers are supposed to have an incredible tenacity. Y’know, that whole joke about one more level and then we’ll quit?

All that’s missing is “Mom! Ten more minutes! MOM!”

 

Games like Metal Slug, Ninja Gaiden, and Ghost N’ Goblins wouldn’t be popular if people didn’t enjoy a challenge. Today’s gamers however want their achievement points and declared winner. In fact, everyone thinks they are the next professional competitive gamer. You’re not. Think of it this way: Anyone can play baseball, but do you think the MLB will be calling you? Now, more people play video games. However, ’cause you play all week, all of a sudden you are an honorary Korean. You are not.

 

You and your friends don’t even have matching outfits.

 

Apparently the gaming community still has a lot of growing up to do.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

Alright, so I haven’t quite kept up with the posts. But now I do…somewhere else. Go to http://www.mapcidy.com and start reading and commenting on the articles there. If you like the repressed thoughts I put here, read the thoughts I put there on video games. AND COMMENT DAMMIT! Whether you are trolling, being insightful, or like seeing your tiny letters be added to other tiny letters, do it. I have no other way of knowing what’s funny and what’s not. Do it also because other I will duck tape each of my four kittens to a ceiling fan blade and then turn it on and laugh for hours. I may do that even if you do comment, come to think of it.

Do it. Then, do it some more.

A Cryin’ Shame

For any person who plays video games, having your favorite video game turned into a movie should be exciting. It adds a dimension to the game, a perspective that is new to that game’s universe. Instead, whenever a movie based on a video-game comes out, gamers are wary and hesitant. Why?

This is why.

The blame falls on Hollywood. It seems interested enough to take notice of popular video games, but not interested enough to actually learn aboout them. It’s like producing a Superman movie but not knowing he’s from Krypton or not wanting him to fly. Something akin to that. 

A video game franchise becomes popular not just because of how the graphics are or what weapons are used, but that there is an engaging story as well. The Halo series of games not only had good gameplay but a cast of interesting characters in a huge galactic war. Half Life 2 gives players a chance to save an enslaved humanity using their brains (or what’s left of it after six straight hours of playing video games). Mass Effect has the player investigating a mystery with the entire universe in the balance.

So, no pressure then.

Let me give an example of what I am talking about. The game Doom is about a single marine that comes to a science facility on Mars just as a transportation experiment goes wrong and creatures from Hell come through the portal and kill everyone but the marine. The marine then gets progressively bigger weaponry as he kills bigger demons, eventually killing the biggest demon of all, Reese Witherspoon (I’m on to you, Reese!). He then seals the portal, and humanity is saved. In the movie Doom, you have a squad of marines, including the heavy-weapons black guy, new wet-behind-the-ears rookie, and slimy-can’t-trust-him-as-far-as-you-can-throw-him marine. You also have a bleeding heart scientist who is also the sister of one of the marines sent.

"Yes the monsters are killing women and children, but only because their parents never gave them enough attention."

Also, the monsters are some sort of genetic mutation instead of demons, and the marine team is split if they should kill potentially mutated people. Eventually the movie ends with the two surviving marines fighting each other and the good marine escapes the facility with his sister as the only survivors. Except for parts with marines shooting guns and Mars, the movie and game don’t share a lot in common. Although “Marines shooting guns on Mars” sounds like the name of a cool garage band.

Another reason movies stink is because of people like Uwe Boll. Who is Uwe Boll? He is the producer for timeless classics (that’s sarcasm right there) like BloodRayne, Far Cry, and House of the Dead. This man makes video game movies, and admits to never playing them. For a more complete article on why gamers should hate him, click here. Video games should be seen by movie makers the same way books are: a different world with a fan base that should be pleased with the movie. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone was an excellent adaptation of he book. Possibly the best game-movie relationship we have at the moment is Tron.  

I'd sell my grandmother for a light cycle.

Now it’s your turn reader (and by reader I mean the one viewer I have). Do you agree about video game movies or feel that they aren’t good movie material? And here’s my question to you: if you could make any game into a movie, which game? And if you could make any movie into a game, what movie? Thanks for reading and the next post will be published sooner than this one did.