In marketing, a lot of effort is made to appeal and get the interest of pre-teens and teenagers. This is because 1) they have disposable cash, 2) they’re a large segment of the population, and 3) they are very stupid. I should know. One way to get the attention of this demographic is to put out movies and TV shows about teens. These shows can be some pre-teens’ first impression of adolescence.

Keep in mind the number of impromptu songs sung will also be low.

 There are simply some things that aren’t true. Let me explain them to you.

First of all, you won’t look your best during this time. It’s has nothing to do with you personally; it’s just your body will do weird things. It will decide to grow pimples on your face in embarassingly obvious places. Patches of hair will grow in new places and oily skin is a new reality you must face everyday. The people on television never have pimples, peach fuzz, and perfect skin. There is a reason for this: genetic engineering. Apparently some Nazi Arayan experiments escaped from Europe and started families in the United States. That’s the best I can come up with.

These children bully the French kids and no one can figure out why.

Second, your voice will crack. So anything showing teenagers singing is a complete lie…a horrible, horrible lie. I wish I realized this before I had to cant in front of my entire family for my Bar Mitzvah, but after 3-4 years your family stops bringing it up. Your voice will not ring crisp and true, but change pitch randomly. Zach Efron and company record their songs in a studio, away from the world and are beaten by Disney executives until they get it right (just kidding, they don’t beat them, they just bury them underneath a pile of lawyers).

Disney singers have learned not to stand near the edge of subway platforms.

 Thirdly, you will not be the stand-out individual as is everyone on TV. You’re not a clone but you will be joining/forming a group of friends. Everyone wants to fit in and feel accepted; this is perfectly normal. Those that are meant to stand out, will. Those who desparately want to be noticed will make a complete ass of themselves. If Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing doesn’t rush in to take the limelight, then nobody should. Why? Because it’s Patrick Swayze, that’s why.

Before the Old Spice Man was on a horse, Patrick Swayze was on one.

Lastly, these aren’t the greatest years of your life. Too many movies and shows portray your teenage years as the best ever. They are great and full of fun first time experiences, but they are full of stress. Besides trying to sing in your school’s hallway, voice cracking, trying not to step in face oils left on the floor by the math geeks, you also have your first job, first relationship, and preparing and choosing your college. This isn’t to mention the gaining independence from your parents, SATs (remember how fun it was listening to the kid who got 1560 complain he/she didn’t do better?), learning to drive and all the responbilities of everyday life.

He will have a troubling adolscence.

Remember: TV and movies are played by people in their 20s and 30s. If you wish to have a somewhat more accurate view of high school, watch Freaks and Geeks on Youtube. You can also see Seth Rogan as a teenager!

Now, chime in: What do you remember about your teenage years and what do you wish the media would portray with/about teenagers that they currently don’t? And by the way, thank you for still reading this drek. It means a lot to me…and Patrick Swayze. WOLVERINES!!!